DISCLAIMER: I wrote this piece in 2014and I reread it, thinking it was going to be trash but I still love and decided to share it again.
So, “sex without feelings” is this new skill that all the cool kids have acquired. We used to think it was impossible but with the right tactics and soft skills, it can actually be achieved. I threw the issue to a couple of my friends and my experts are divided in their thoughts. Some say, it is very possible to have sexual relations with a person and not catch any “feelings”, the others say, it’s impossible to not catch feelings, especially if the sex is super awesome!
What do I think? Well, I have been thinking a lot about this and I think I have created the perfect formula for the best way to have sexual relations sans the dreaded feelings. Ready?
Rely On The Tried And True
Do everything as you’ve always done it, do everything that’s been statistically proven to work, do something Cosmo suggested if you’re feeling brave, something completely ridiculous and reaching you wouldn’t have the effrontery to try on someone you actually liked. Skim through the sexual script and linger over the good parts. Concentrate on the task. Set your fingers/penis/tongue/whatever to cruise control. Go on vacation in your head. Go faster when they’re close.
Don’t Look At Them
Of course, look at them because you have to, but try not to really look at them. Don’t look at them in any way that transcends looking. Don’t notice things. Don’t get lost in their labyrinthine geometry, the delicate latticework of their cells, the crisscrosses in their hands, slightly dry. Don’t think about the way their skin feels, the soft coolness of their belly you know they consider before letting someone kiss, like suede, cardboard, petals. Don’t overthink it. It’s just skin.
Don’t Look At Their Eyes Too Much Either
Of course, look at them because you really can’t avoid it, but look at them like eyes and nothing else. The way they go from blue to grey like a Lagos storm, or black to tinted jade-like honeyed absinthe(which is absolutely divine by the way), don’t read a pattern in the change. Try not to feel like you’ve been let in on some great cosmic secret, something so private and luminous the subtle flickering beauty of it in any other circumstance would bring you to your knees. Ignore the eyes and focus on the mouth.
Don’t Open Up To Them
This is major! Don’t make yourself vulnerable, become malleable in their hands, or let them do things you used to only let your ex. Don’t show them the way to your core, how to get under your skin and into the shadow space, past the pleasure point and into the muted center.
Whatever You Do, Don’t Stay The Night
You might think this is a Hollywood cliche. Don’t do it. Don’t wake up next to them in a litter of overturned blankets and clothing and calm breaths and tangled hair. Don’t invite the morning gaze, the naked deliberate stillness of it, the playfulness, finality, the inevitable question mark. Don’t let them see you like this. Don’t let yourself see them.
Don’t Do Stuff Together Afterwards
Warning: You don’t want to end up looking like two lovebirds. That’s disgusting. So don’t do anything that invites interest or laughter or any form of getting to know each other. Don’t have a three-hour champagne brunch or play LUDO or Xbox or cuddle and watch TV. Don’t cuddle period, AND under no circumstances should you let them spoon you. When it comes to feelings, spooning is basically asking for it.
Don’t Let Yourself Be Fascinated
Don’t get drawn in by their particularity, the sound of their laughter, the curvature of their neck, orbital bone, spine. Don’t read too much into the gestures. Don’t pour your soul into the kiss. Don’t destroy the moment by trying to make it anything more. It’s just a kiss, damn it!
And that’s it, folks! Let me know how well this works, I’m really curious. Oh, please add up more tips, we need to educate the world on this phenomenon.
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